This Democratic Cleanse of “Impure” Candidates Will Ensure Trump’s Re-election

Okay everyone, let’s keep this cleanse going!! Let’s get rid of the fiercely powerful senator and former prosecutor who was mean to her staff. Let’s get rid of the man who inspired millions of Millennials to show up to vote for the first time and who has been calling out wealth inequality longer than anyone, but who didn’t personally know that a subordinate on his team was acting sexist. Let’s get rid of the brave and passionate senator who has brought countless greedy corporate thieves to their knees, but who claimed minority status for herself a couple times which, though proven not to be completely baseless, was still inappropriate. And above all, let’s get rid of the greatest bridge-builder in American politics, who commands not only respect but love on both sides of the aisle, but who also touched women (and men) on the shoulder, and may have even kissed someone on the back of their head – after all, we have a white supremacist child predator human rights violating malignant narcissist who openly brags about his own sexual assaults to help re-elect next year!

Look: I don’t condone any of the negative behaviors listed above. But unless you genuinely well-intentioned idiots out there can learn to understand that there are *different degrees of wrongdoing*, and that no one, NO ONE lives their life without a single blemish on their record, you are once again setting a perfect stage for another four years of this repulsive “government.”

And yes, that will be your fault. Because you have learned nothing. Because in your effort to wash away every single spot of dirt (which for some messed-up reason makes *you* feel like you’re more clean), you are going to re-elect a mountain of actual shit. And when children remain and sometimes die in cages, and refugees keep getting left to starve and die, and international treaties continue to be torn to shreds, or the world itself literally gets blown to pieces: your very last thought can be gratitude that at least you got rid of that horrible man who touched people on the shoulder.

Grow up.