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Home  /  Comedy • Favorites • New Creations  /  An Open Letter to My Beard
06 August 2015

An Open Letter to My Beard

Written by Michael Bihovsky
Comedy, Favorites, New Creations 1 Comment
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Shaveolution

All right, beard. Here’s the deal.

I know that you’re supposed to make me look more sophisticated, and artistic.

I know that your presence sometimes gets me noticed on the street (“Hey, aren’t you the food allergy guy?”).

I even know that women say you make me look handsome, and that on very rare occasions, these women are younger than 60 years old.

But I’m going to level with you: you make me uncomfortable, physically and emotionally. You seriously exacerbate my longstanding Peter Pan complex, and for some weird-ass reason, you make the left side of my face go numb when I’m trying to fall asleep.

And so I’m going to have to let you go. No, don’t look at me like that – you will always have a place inside of me. But inside, beard. For now, it has to be inside.

I hope that you’ll understand. I hope you’ll appreciate that I talked this out with you ahead of time, instead of doing something rash. Speaking of which, did I mention you’re giving me a rash?

This is the way it has to be. Fine, go and tell your friends I abandoned you – I don’t need you. And I certainly don’t need to be saved.

I need to be shaved.

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Michael Bihovsky
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Michael Bihovsky is a musical theater composer and performer, and an “invisible illness” advocate. He is best known for his viral YouTube video “One Grain More,” an award-winning musical parody of Les Miserables about the plight of the food allergy community. Michael has written the music, lyrics, and book for four original musicals, including the semi-autobiographical “Fresh!” which was presented Off-Broadway as a finalist in the “Scene It: New York” competition. Michael’s musicals, plays, and screenplays often revolve around themes relating to physical and mental illness. He has Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS), and facilitates EDS support groups in Philadelphia and New York City. Michael is also a recurring columnist for the Stanford Medical Journal’s SCOPE Project, and is currently writing a book titled “Live Because: The Philosophy of the Broken, and the Journey Toward Wholeness.”

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