The thoughts, creations, and bizarre adventures of an Actor/Composer/Playwright/Activist

Remembering Natasha Reatig: My Cousin, My Muse, My Mentor, and My Dear, Dear Friend

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I don’t know how to write this. I’m hoping that if I just keep typing, the words will come. Because the truth is, though I became painfully familiar with the grief of losing close family at the age of 9, rarely has my heart felt so thoroughly ripped from my body. Never has the world felt so wrong, as if the very magnetic forces that keep it together have simply ceased to be. I’ve been told that the degree to which we love someone is precisely the degree of pain we will feel at losing them. And in my 32 years on this earth, never have I encountered anyone or anything that can compare to the light, the joy, the beauty and the timeless celebration of life that was my cousin Natasha.

When I was a child, Natasha was this ethereal, magical creature who defied (and greatly enhanced) my perception of what it meant to be an adult. This fiery rebel with bright purple hair, this unshakeable force of nature who positively defined the words “joie de vivre.” By day, Natasha worked as a prominent leader in multiple government organizations dedicated to mental health advocacy and awareness, for which she was awarded the Secretary’s Award for Distinguished Services in 1996, presented by the HHS Secretary herself. (For more on this and so many of Natasha’s accomplishments, I hope you might read Natasha’s obituary, written by her brother Bill Bates).

In other words, by day Natasha was already a superhero; so you can only imagine the heights of her role as Superhero by Night. Natasha was on the front lines of the punk scene from its very inception, fought hard for causes ranging from civil rights to anti-war protests, was the very embodiment of the Women’s Liberation Movement, founded the Rosebud Film Festival, and hosted weekly salons where she brought together every breed of artist, misfit, and visionary that you could possibly imagine. So when it comes to Natasha, we aren’t just talking about a life well-lived: we are talking about ten lives somehow packed into one – each as exquisitely-lived as the next. I hope you will watch the video below, a 1997 interview for the American Artist Series which Natasha and I edited together a couple years ago from a more extended version. This video contains nearly all of the highlights of the many lessons she had to teach. Please watch this video… You will see immediately why this woman was so powerful, unique, joyful and inspiring, and I guarantee your life will be the better for it.

As a teenager, I quickly discovered that being at Natasha’s house, and basking in her presence, filled me with a positive hyperdrive of artistic energy and inspiration. I recently calculated that I have spent a total of one year at her beautiful house in Bethany Beach, Delaware, and that a full quarter of everything I have ever written was created in her house, as she beamed from her loft above, reveling in her greatest joy: to foster art and creativity. We would come together for meals and other adventures, to discuss art, life, love, history, mythology, philosophy, and so much more. Natasha deemed every subject under the moon to be “fascinating” and “fabulous,” and I have always striven to follow her example, and to consider no subject whatsoever to be either beneath my notice or beyond my grasp.

Over the years, I brought three dear friends with me to stay at the magical house at the beach, to bask with me in the glow that was Natasha. One of these individuals was my best friend Julia. I knew that Natasha would provide a beacon of wisdom that would remain with my friend forever – and Natasha did not disappoint.

Over a shared journey in Natasha’s favorite game, “Mix-and-Match Substances,” Natasha told us the story of how she overcame what she once considered to be her greatest weakness, which was an overeager tendency to lose herself in another person, and the realization that if she ever wanted to truly be at peace, she would need to fall in love with herself. As Julia wrote that night on Facebook from Natasha ‘s inspiration, “Stop searching for the person you want to spend the rest of your life with; BECOME the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.” Natasha did that. She fell in love with herself. And for us on the outside, to watch someone that confident, that joyful, that alive – we couldn’t help but fall in love with her, too. And to love ourselves more in the process, to know that we were deemed worthy to be in the presence of such greatness.

To fall in love with oneself may seem on the surface like an incredibly selfish action – so how then did we end up with Natasha, who is easily the most generous, the most gracious person I have ever known, the kind of person who dedicates so much of her life advocating for the needs and rights of others, and to supporting and inspiring artists of every form? I think it’s because by fully loving and embracing herself, Natasha gave herself the riskless freedom to love each and every one of us. Deeply.

It is impossible to encapsulate all of the wisdom and goodness of Natasha into a single set of lessons. But I were to try, it would be this:

• Love yourself so that you may freely love others.

• Welcome everyone you can into your heart and home, no matter their age, their sex, their gender, their race, their orientation, and their politics. Only then can we enrich each other’s lives in ways that we will otherwise never know. Natasha welcomed all, and there is not a person who accepted that invitation who is not better because of it. And she was better because of us. She knew that, and she told us often.

• Treat every single day as a celebration. A night at Natasha’s was not complete without a toast to family and friends to the gentle soundtrack of 50’s jazz. Or David Bowie, depending on the night. Or gothic rock. This woman had the most prolific taste I’ve ever seen, and would have been equally at home at a 20’s Speakeasy as she would at a punk rock concert.

Which brings me to Natasha’s final lesson, and the one that not only touched so many who loved her, but for many of us was the most formative lesson of all:

• Love, cherish, share, and celebrate Art.

I’d like to end with one more anecdote, taken from my journal on May 6, 2013:

“As Natasha and I drove home from Rehoboth this evening, there was so much fog that you couldn’t see more than 100 feet in any direction. It felt like the world was being created bit by bit as we traveled through it, created just for us, and fading from existence after we passed through. It was beautiful, and amazingly, Natasha had never seen it before. Her excitement was beyond belief. She cranked the ethereal classical music way up, laughed with delight, and marveled like a child at the beauty of the world around her. 72 years old, and still she can barely contain her excitement for life and this beautiful universe. I wish we could all see the world as she does.”

It’s very foggy right now. The way back is gone forever. The way ahead is unclear. But as Natasha’s favorite quote by Vivian Greene says, “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to end, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

And so, in the midst of some of the most painful grief I have ever known, I nevertheless raise my glass (as she would want me to) to celebrate the greatest, boldest, and most gracious dancer of all. Thank you, Natasha – my cousin – my joy – my muse – my mentor – and my dear, dear friend. Your dance lives on in us, the people you loved who only learned the steps because you were there to teach us. I will miss you forever. I will love you forever. And I will never, ever let you go.

Adventures, Advocacy, Politics, Recent Leave a Comment

“RENT” Introduces Cy O’Neal (And So Do I)

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Hi folks! Those of you who watched RENT on Fox last night may have noticed an interesting change: that the leader of the Life Support group was changed from a man named Paul to a woman named Cy.

I was absolutely delighted by this, because Cy is, in fact, the real inspiration for the character Paul. Cy is Cy O’Neal, who founded the support group “Friends In Deed,” which Jonathan Larson attended and used as the basis for the support group in RENT.

I’m telling you this because it’s an opportunity to tell you a little about Cy, who is without question the most inspiring person I have ever met. I was lucky enough to be welcomed into the Friends In Deed community at the end of my Freshman year of college, and without Cy – whom I used call my “surrogate grandmother” back when I would routinely run to her office between classes at NYU – I’m honestly not sure I would have made it through at all. I certainly wouldn’t be the person I am today, or have any meaningful tools to cope with my own physical condition. And for those of you who have attended the support groups I lead: if you have gained any wisdom from me whatsoever, chances are pretty good that it can be traced directly back to Cy.

Cy O’Neal and Michael Bihovsky at Friends In Deed, September 2015

Cy would respond to what I just wrote by telling you that any wisdom she’s accrued is borrowed from mystics and philosophers and healers throughout the world and throughout history. But the messenger matters. And I can think of no greater messenger than Cy, who has the uncanny ability to guide people to laughter through the most sorrowful of tears, to treat everyone with kindness and dignity and without judgment, and to provide tools and love and support without ever telling anyone what they “should” do. I am so grateful for to Cy for teaching me how to live gracefully with illness – I don’t always live up to it, but when I do, it’s because of her.

If you’re interested in learning more about how this amazing woman came to found a support group for people with HIV (the group eventually expanded to include other conditions and life circumstances as well) to talk about their fears and falls and triumphs when almost no one was talking about the epidemic at all, you should check out her memoir, “Talk Softly.”

Advocacy, Entertainment Leave a Comment

YOU. HAVE. TO. VOTE (Democrat)

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All right friends, let me be blunt:
 
If you take issue with what’s been happening in this country over the past two years – from putting children in cages to breaking treaties to ignoring global warming to lifting pollution regulations to open demagoguery and hate speech to huge tax cuts for the wealthy to degrading our most sacred institutions to trying to kick tens of millions of people off healthcare to putting a hyperpartisan probable sexual assaulter on the supreme court (and the oval office) to mocking women who were sexually assaulted to lauding some KKK members and neo-Nazis as “good people” and on and on and on and ON – you have to vote.
 
YOU. HAVE. TO. VOTE. DEMOCRAT!
 
If you do not vote, you have lost the right to complain about the moral and practical atrocity that we are dealing with, because – quite simply – you are partially to blame. And if you throw a vote to some 3rd party candidate whom you know has exactly zero chance of winning, you are partially to blame, too. You don’t like voting for the “lesser of two evils”? That’s what morality IS. Rarely in life are moral choices a contrast between good and evil (although frankly this is about as close as it comes), and moral people choose what will make the most practical difference for the best possible outcome.
 
The best possible output in this election is incredibly clear: to put gigantic obstacles in the path of liars and bigots and thieves, and to send a loud and clear message to the Liar/Bigot/Thief in Chief that we are better than this. Better than HIM.
 
Be better. Show up to vote, bring as many friends as you can with you, and vote Democrat. Share this post, if you think it will influence even one person. Stop the bleeding. Plug the leak to prevent the ship from sinking. Then, in two years, we will finally be positioned to change course.
Advocacy, Healthcare, Politics, Science Leave a Comment

I Think The Anonymous “Senior Official in the Trump Administration” Is A Plant. Don’t Fall For It.

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I strongly believe The New York Times piece written by an anonymous “senior official in the Trump administration” was a plant/stunt by the administration for its own gain. Hear me out.

An enormous part of my many jobs is to figure out why people do the things they do. But I can’t think of a single reason why a senior official would feel the need to tell the liberal American public (he wrote this piece for the Times op-ed section, not Breitbart) that the president already has checks and balances within his own administration, except that if enough people feel these actions are sufficient, they might not show up on Election Day to vote for *real* checks and balances.

Give me another theory – I’d genuinely like to hear it. And if this article had been written at the start of Trump’s term, I would be more inclined to believe it. But considering that this article was written just weeks before the midterms, and the audience it was addressed to, and the fact that there is no actionable information to be gained from it (in fact quite the opposite – if these officials really are stifling Trump’s worst impulses, they’ve just broadcast their methods to him which will put him and his more loyal cronies on high alert for such tactics), I think it’s highly likely that this op-ed is intended to induce a false sense of security and suppress voter turnout.

Will it work? Well, it won’t stop people who are truly dedicated to the Resistance. But for people who are on the fence looking for any excuse (conscious or unconscious) to not bother going to the polls? It could sure work on them. And as we learned from the last election, if you can just get even a few thousand people to stay home, it can make all the difference in the world.

Please don’t let that happen. Make sure you VOTE, and get every like-minded person you know – patriots who wish to see this administration held accountable for its repulsive actions and probable crimes by means that were established in our constitution – and make them promise to vote as well. We cannot yet heal the wound – but at the very least, we can stop some of the bleeding.

Politics Leave a Comment

Rest In Peace, John McCain. And Thank You.

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If the past is any indication, some of my fellow liberals will take issue with the nice things I’m about to say about Senator John McCain, but today we lost a hero in an age where heroes are so very hard to find…especially, let’s be frank, on the Right.

But John McCain was a hero. For starters, he risked his life time and again to defend our country, and was tortured beyond most of our comprehension for doing so. I honor him for that.

In an age of nearly unanimous hate and vitriol, McCain called for civility and respect in our discourse. I honor him for that as well.

And for most of his career, McCain acted – and voted – like a true moderate. Moderation has become a toxic word on both sides of the aisle, but not to me. Life, and government, is often about compromise – and although McCain recently voted with Trump on a lot more issues than I’d care for, he never did so out of cowardice or to fall into his party line. He voted what was, to him, his conscience – and even if I disagree with the specifics, I respect the integrity.

Which leads me to the main issue I will remember and praise John McCain for: he – along with Senators Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski – defeated the repeal of the the Affordable Care Act, which has literally saved the lives of so many people I know and love. Why? Because his fellow Republicans had provided no alternative, and because it had been pushed through without any Democratic consultation (let alone support). Therefore, according to McCain, supporting the repeal would be utter negligence and hypocrisy, and since it would lead to tens of millions of people losing health insurance, he voted no. If he had voted yes, a lot of people who are alive right now would not be.

I think that I, even more than most Republicans, long to see a day when the Republican Party is restored to some semblance of honor, conscience, and integrity. To me, John McCain represented those admirable traits. Was he perfect? Far from it. But I will take an imperfect official doing his best over someone who is perfectly corrupt and self-interested any day.

Thank you for your service, Senator McCain, and for your example. Rest in peace.

Healthcare, Politics Leave a Comment

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